SmackDown kicks off this week with MVP in the ring, and that can only mean one thing. No, not he’s doing the job, but big things poppin, little things stoppin. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the view, because the VIP Lounge is for people better than you.

He talks about his losing streak, revealing that the payment bonus clause is that he has to win one more match before Survivor Series. Great Khali interrupts to host the Khali Kiss Cam. Yep, on a night where we’ve got Kozlov v. Undertaker, where Undertaker eliminated Chavo last week, where Triple H may find out his next title challenger and where people want to see where Jeff Hardy fits, we kick off the show with a guy talking about how he loses all the time and a giant kissing fat ugly people. Does nobody have any idea how to write a wrestling television show anymore?

Backstage, MVP barges into Vicki Guerrero’s office, so Vicki punishes him by giving him a match against Khali.

The first match saw Shelton Benjamin defend the US Title against The Truth. Quite what Truth did to earn a title shot after being pinned clean at Cyber Sunday on the pre-ppv dark match I’ve no idea. I’m still not feeling Killings in WWE, his movements in the ring look awkward, and these two had several timing issues, despite pulling out enough spectacular stuff, such as Killings doing a dive to the outside. The finish saw Shelton pin Killings cleanly again with the old Randy Savage necksnap on the top rope followed by his ridiculous finisher where to be honest it looks more like Killings is giving him a Rock Bottom but I guess we’re supposed to buy it as Shelton grabbing Truth and driving him backwards to the mat.

The Brian Kendrick walks up to Jimmy Wang Yang and does Samuel L. Jackson’s bible quoting bit (aped in those hilarious WrestleMania 21 Goes Hollywood commercials by Booker T and Eddie Guerrero a few years back) from Pulp Fiction. That was weird and random, but my god I marked out for it.

Ezekiel Jackson beat Jimmy Wang Yang in a short squash with a standing Rock Bottom. Then Kendrick came in and celebrated like it was all him, which was great. Unfortunately this will inevitably lead to a Kendrick/Zeke split, which is not an idea I like but it’s the only way the WWE knows to do this angle.

Michelle McCool gives the interview girl lessons in what it takes to be a successful woman wrestler in WWE. And no, she doesn’t say “fuck one of the main eventers so you’re always pushed as the top star despite having no charisma and no talent” she gives some speech about having heart and drive and all this crap, taking bitchy digs at Maria the whole time. Then Maria shows up and Michelle suddenly acts like they’re best friends.

Jeff Hardy is in Vicki Guerrero’s office wanting a title shot, but Vicki says he doesn’t deserve a title shot because whenever he has one he always loses, and what’s more he isn’t even extreme anymore. That’s a smart move to have the heel GM saying that stuff rather than the babyface World Champion as has been the case these last couple of months. Let’s hope it stays that way.

Next up is a tag match with The Miz and John Morrison v. Jeff Hardy and Triple H, and it was GREAT. Hardy is diving all over the place, doing all this cool stuff and coming out like a total house of fire, but he keeps refusing to tag HHH in, and eventually Miz and Morrison cheapshot him, but since it’s Jeff Hardy it’s not like a knee to the back or pulling the hair or something simple that would get the heat in a regular tag match, it’s a spear off the apron sending him crashing outside to the floor. Great moment and a believable momentum change in the match. Hardy makes his comeback but again refuses to tag, so when the heels cheat and double team Hardy again, HHH runs in and starts punching away. While this is going on, Jeff grabs a chair and goes mental, laying out Miz and Morrison with chairshots for the DQ. HHH doesn’t know how to react, but Hardy did a great job showing that he had flipped out and I’m now interested in where Jeff goes from here.

Kozlov cuts a promo first in Russian then translated into English (which is an awesome little touch by the way) saying he will beat Undertaker, beat HHH and win the title.

Jeff Hardy goes to Vicki’s office to ask if that was extreme enough, but Vicki says she already had a deal with Kozlov so no title shot for Jeff this time.

Big Show comes to the ring to cut a promo. He states that he has beaten Undertaker twice already and therefore has no reason to be afraid of him, and goes on to challenge him to a casket match at Survivor Series. Boo! Can’t you save all these singles matches for some other PPV and actually do some Survivor Series matches at Survivor Series? Also, why would Show be so shit scared of facing Taker in a casket match last week that Chavo Guerrero replaced him, then Taker decimated Chavo and won easily, and now Show wants the match and is challenging Taker to one? I don’t get it.

MVP loses a quick squash to Khali. A bad match with an excellent finish, surprisingly enough, as MVP went for the running boot, but before he could deliver it he was laid out with the Khali Chop and the Tree Slam.

Brie Bella v. Victoria is up next, and it’s twin reveal time. Probably around the right time to do it, as any longer would’ve made the heels look stupid for not figuring it out. And it was also the right thing to do with Bella getting a clean win in this match, rolling up Victoria for the pin. But afterwards, Natalya and Victoria cornered her, and she ran under the ring. Natalya grabbed her legs from one side of the ring while Victoria grabbed her arms from the other side in a Stretch Armstrong moment that admittedly looked awesome, before they were both pulled out for the reveal. Then they went back to the ring and the twins kicked ass and left the heels running for the hills.

The announcement is made that Undertaker has accepted the challenge for a casket match with Big Show at Survivor Series.

Kozlov v. Undertaker. It’s so strange to see Taker do his scary entrance against a relatively new heel who doesn’t show any fear at all, much less take the fight to him. Kozlov’s punch and forearm based offense essentially makes him look like a boxer doing wrestling, and it’s something different to anyone else in WWE right now and really makes him stand out.

Taker did an excellent job as usual of selling for Kozlov, putting him over as a monster and giving the match the big fight feel they were hoping for – and it also made me definitely want to see these two guys in a long drawn out singles feud at some point down the road. In fact, Kozlov would be a perfect WrestleMania XXV opponent for Taker, they really could go with a Rocky type story there, the veteran against his greatest challenge yet. Of course, Kozlov is set up for a few months of jobbing to HHH coming up so I just hope a potential top heel isn’t ruined by that feud too much, like Umaga was last year.

The non-finish was also smart, as both guys were down, and Jeff Hardy ran in and hit both guys with chairshots, but as he hit Kozlov first he won by DQ. I wish Taker would get his hands up on those chairshots, it decreases the danger but takes away none of the sound or the effectiveness. Hardy ran off when Taker sat up, and after Taker laid out Kozlov with a chokeslam (the only mistake of this segment), Jeff was in Vicki’s office, demanding an Extreme Rules match with Undertaker next week. Well that’s another big match they’re giving away on TV but they way they did it with Hardy wanting/needing to prove himself and also totally flipping out and doing things that would normally be considered out of character it’s best if they actually are going somewhere with this to strike while the iron’s hot.

Mark Bright
mark@ifight365.com