The Boxing Day edition of Smackdown begins with HHH’s music hitting, and the man himself coming down to the ring to cut a promo, with sledgehammer in hand. In my view not the ideal start for week two of the Jeff Hardy WWE Title reign, but HHH played second fiddle to Jeff big-time last week and he is undoubtedly one of the top stars on the brand and may have actually needed some focus on himself this time around.

During HHH’s entrance a graphic appears noting that tonight’s main event will be The Big Show v. Jeff Hardy in a non-title match. Footage is shown of Kozlov interfering in the Armageddon main event, and HHH says he wants payback, which is where the sledgehammer comes in. Then footage is shown from HHH’s run-in at the end of last week’s Smackdown, and HHH said he wants Kozlov tonight. Instead, Chavo Guerrero’s music hits. Are you fucking kidding me? Chavo says that Vickie has told him to announce that if HHH puts a finger on Kozlov he’ll not be entered into the Royal Rumble and won’t ever get a WWE Title shot again. HHH responds to the potentially career-ruining stipulation by calling Vickie fat and Chavo an errand boy. Way to show weakness and put the heels over HHH you fucking idiot. VICKIE IS OUT TO SAVE THIS SEGMENT! EXCUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME! SHE SAID EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME! HHH makes some more fat jokes.

Vickie goes all Catherine Tate on HHH with talk about how HHH isn’t going to be disrespecting her or disrespecting her family anymore, and makes HHH v. Chavo Guerrero in the first match. Ugh. Just where I feared this was going - I can’t think of a match I’d want to watch less. Chavo seems to be about as down with that as I was. When Chavo’s on top, the stuff he does is fine, and HHH sells it about as much as he can be bothered, but the whole time you are sat there going “it’s fucking HHH and Chavo Guerrero, does anyone in the world think it’s anything other than HHH in a short squash with the pedigree?” They try to make things interesting by using Eddie Guerrero to get over a match that took place after he died - wow WWE - haven’t done that for a couple of years. Chavo rips off the turnbuckle pad and goes to get a chair while the ref is fixing things, throws the chair to HHH and plays dead. But HHH just throws the chair out of the ring and hits a spinebuster and pedigree to win. Then hits Chavo with the sledgehammer after the match. A fucking sledgehammer?!?! OK I know it’s been done for years by HHH now but it’s always annoyed me so I’m going to quote Jim Cornette here: What the fuck is with all this sledgehammer bullshit?! I could hit someone with a sledgehammer and the guy’s dead. So HHH hits Chavo here and thinks it’ll mean anything? Fuck that, if I’m invited to his funeral next week, then you’re over - until then fuck you.

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Shelton Benjamin v. Hurricane Helms for the US Title is up next, and Shelton cuts a promo before the match pointing out that he won the title from Matt Hardy. OK so is it “criticise bad WWE booking decisions on your promos” night? Maybe later on The Brian Kendrick can discuss how they botched the invasion angle or Primo Colon can talk about how Hogan shouldn’t have beaten Yokozuna in 10 seconds at WrestleMania IX. As for the match itself, Helms still looks a couple of steps slow and his timings off, but having been back around a month now you wonder if he’ll ever get his groove back. Of course being in there with Mr jump-high-then-slap-on-a-headlock-and-kill-the-heat-forever doesn’t help. If these two are aiming to take over from Matt Hardy as the guys who hold together Smackdown every week with long matches then I am not looking forward to 2009. I also didn’t like Helms, with only a few weeks back, having Shelton kick out of the two moves that Helms has used as finishers since his return. I know in some places, particularly ROH, kicking out of finishers is fairly commonplace, but it does weaken the move, and weakens Helms needlessly for a midcard bland nobody like Shelton to pick up a win against him.

Up next is a video package of Jeff Hardy’s WWE Title win, followed by Jeff cutting a dark and disturbed backstage promo, complete with his new makeup. I like the character change in Jeff, he’s essentially been the same guy for ten years and this is adding another side to him.

Carlito v. The Brian Kendrick is up next. I’m sure I’ve watched this match for about the last month. Oh actually it is different, the Bella Twins are at ringside, and Zeke wiping out Primo this time didn’t distract Carlito enough to lose, as he pinned Kendrick with the Back Cracker. I know the idea is to stretch the feud a bit, but fucking really - its Carlito and Primo v. Kendrick and Zeke (its not just me who hears that and can’t stop thinking about Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince and the episode Will found out his real first name is it?) - and you can’t do this singles matches with interference and interference backfiring forever, eventually we’re going to have to see a tag team match for the tag team titles between these tag teams - and preferably soon.

Edge and Vickie are shown backstage, and Edge gets a gigantic pop because it’s Toronto. Also, because it’s WWE this is the only way he’s on screen in front of the live crowd all night because heaven fucking forbid they might give the fans what they want and let them enjoy themselves and create a fucking atmosphere. Anyway, Big Show comes in and says if he takes out Jeff Hardy tonight he wants a title shot, and Vickie agrees to give it to him, which makes Edge flip out. If Show can ask for a title shot and Vickie give it to him so easily why not just make tonight’s match a title match? There’s been no announcement yet of the Royal Rumble PPV main event so it’s not like there’s another match set in stone.

Then Maria is shown in her referee’s outfit backstage and THAT VACUOUS LACK OF PERSONALITY DULL CUNT MICHELLE MCCOOL comes up to her with a fake babyface hinting at a heel turn speech. And by hinting I mean she may as well have been wearing her “I’m turning heel” sandwich board and ringing her bell.

Up next is McCool defending the Divas title against MARYSE~! I love Maryse. Sure she’s like the worst wrestler on the entire roster, but I’ve never had as much fun watching someone so bad in the ring, because her personality more than makes up for it. And she’d need to have the personality of a million people to get people to care about a Michelle McCool match.

OK my internet connection is starting to fucking piss me off now. I’m downloading the show off YouTube to try to get the review done early as it’s already aired in some markets. And every time my internet cuts out it stops the YouTube video section of the show I’m downloading, and I have to start again. I’ve tried to watch the McCool/Maryse match four fucking times now but my stupid internet connection crashes, I don’t want to wait for the Sky Sports version and be up until midnight watching this stuff when I got The Dark Knight on DVD for Christmas and can’t wait to watch that again. Ugh and when my internet is working it takes forever to load. This fucking sucks, although to be honest if it had happened on Carlito v. Kendrick or HHH v. Chavo I think I’d have just given up but I want to see this match which is why it’s fucking annoying me.

Ok here we go, this match better be worth the wait. Maryse comes out to a big hometown pop. How can you hate any crowd that will love Maryse? Then a clip is shown of Maryse beating Maria last week with the greatest pinfall cover of all time. Maryse takes a bump off a basic knockdown that is so fucking great that already I love this match. She’s so god-awful, and yet I really hope she gets the title here. When Maryse gets on top she locks in a camel clutch and LAUGHS OUT LOUD IN MCCOOL’s EAR~! How can you not love this woman? Then when McCool hits a dropkick Maryse yells “OH NO!” as she takes the bump~! TREMENDOUS. McCool complains to Maria about some slow counts and Maryse NAILS McCool with a kick to the head and 1….2….3~! YES! THE GIRLHOOD DREAM HAS COME TRUE FOR MARYSE. OK JR didn’t actually use that line, nor did he use THE MARYSE ERA HAS BEGUN or even MARYSE! MARYSE! MARYSE! but fuck was I ever marking out. I’ve hated McCool for ages and seeing her get beat by someone so awful but at the same time so great and funny to watch is hilarious. I hope Maryse is the Divas champion forever.

After Maryse celebrates and leaves with the title, Michelle turned on Maria, slamming her head into the mat and kicking her repeatedly. YES! If this means McCool feuds with Maria for a bit then at least Maryse isn’t dropping the belt back next week - or at least you’d hope. Plus, a heel turn might inject some much needed personality into McCool. The beating went on quite a long time, and after some heat and you suck chants initially it kind of died down, even when Maria was thrown into the ring post, which is quite a big move to take for a non-wrestler diva it didn’t get that great a reaction at all.

A video package was then shown indicating that Umaga will be making his return to Smackdown. That is some great news and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking it’s about fucking time. To be honest after a year of constantly jobbing - even if it was to top guys like HHH and Jeff Hardy - keeping him off TV for a long time might have been a smart decision, especially if he is protected by booking and portrayed as the total killing machine we know he can be. The rumoured feud for him is The Undertaker and that’s a match I’ve wanted to see for a couple of years now.

This show gets better and better because now its time for THE PUNJABI PLAYBOY THE GREAT KHALI~! Oh and he’s facing Mr Losing Streak himself, MVP. Awesome. Khali won a quick squash with the tree slam and the entire population of India is celebrating, as is the entire world this festive season. KENNEDY….KENNEDY. Fuck sake. If one guy’s name can fuck up the entire world’s happiness it’s that one. He does a really bad impersonation of MVP and then says his name. Ugh. Isn’t it about time this guy got another injury?

When we come back from commercials, Jimmy Wang Yang is in the ring so I guess that answers the question as to whether or not Jimmy Wang Yang has been fired yet. Kozlov comes out and beats him with a falling chokeslam in another quick squash. Then it’s promo time. Yeah, Kozlov gets a quick squash and a promo saying he’s going to win the Royal Rumble and become champion at WrestleMania. Yeah, I don’t see that happening. Khali gets a quick squash and it’s KENNEDY who gets the fucking promo time. Michael Hayes must have started on his Christmas Crack early when he was writing this show.

Edge makes his second backstage appearance of the night, to another gigantic pop, wishing Big Show luck in his match with Hardy tonight. Edge better be all fucking over Smackdown next week (or week after if next week is to be a best-of show, I’ve not looked at their taping schedule to be fair) because two backstage appearances is pitiful for the best performer on the show. Show calls him out on it being bullshit that he wished luck, and said that he’s going to beat Hardy to prove he can do something Edge can’t, then made a dig at his marriage to Vickie. Edge has this great bewildered look on his face throughout the whole thing that just fit perfectly.

The main event sees WWE Champion Jeff Hardy (and it’s still GREAT to be able to type that) against The Big Show. I FUCKING LOVED THIS MATCH. Show is a brilliant monster and Jeff is a brilliant underdog. So, in this match, Show fucking dominated for several minutes, with head butts, standing on Jeff, punches in the corner, and just about anything that allowed Show to get across his size and power and Hardy to take great bumps, especially off a clothesline a couple of minutes in. Even a bear hug, which is usually a crowd-killing time-wasting make no sense spot was perfect here, and the transition into the Whisper in the Wind was perfect and looked natural which is really difficult for such a contrived spot. I could’ve done without Show kicking out of the Swanton but you can accept it I guess as Show being the largest guy on the roster. They even did a countout finish that was both creative and made sense, as Hardy hit a baseball slide to send Show from the mat to the floor, and then another one to send him sprawling into the announce table, followed by Hardy diving on him, which was unfortunately missed by the camera. Hardy managed to stumble back into the ring and beat the count, and somehow here a countout win made one guy look like significantly the better man. Great little match that I could watch all day.

After the match, Matt Hardy comes out to celebrate with Jeff, then we cut backstage to Edge and Vickie, and Vickie books Matt and Jeff v. Show and Edge next week. Well that’s ¾ of the dream match, just need Christian to sign now.

Mark Bright
mark@ifight365.com