The Big News: It was the ‘Jaws: The Revenge’ of wrestling shows. The Main Event Mafia took over the first 80 minutes of the show. The good news was Booker T doing play-by-play made for a fun hour. The bad news was every babyface that appeared on this show looked like total buffoons. If you think the buy rates for this next PPV show is going to suck, wait until this Main Event Mafia-Front Line program runs its course. Every possible drawing card below the age of 40 has had their legs cut off because of this feud.

Kurt Angle was backstage and suddenly he had the power to run Impact as a show. Jim Cornette tried to stop him, but Angle said there was no one there to back up Cornette. He said Jeff Jarrett was home licking his wounds. That part gets really weird later. Angle had his headset on and played director for the show.

Booker T and Kevin Nash were doing commentary. Booker was referred to as “Black Snow” and Nash was called “Chet Lemon,” who was a centerfielder for the 1984 Detroit Tigers, one of the best teams in modern baseball history. Booker spoke in this deep voice and sounded eerily similar to Don West. Nash’s, er, Lemon’s commentary wasn’t up to his standard during his N.W.O days because, well, it’s not 1996 anymore. Somebody get that message to Russo. The peak of Nash’s broadcasting career came on one of the first nights the N.W.O took over the broadcast booth. Jim Powers came out, looking like he had made tremendous muscular gains, and Nash said he “looked juiced up.” Ironically on that night, Nash also mentioned that Harlem Heat were really just two guys from Texas. Back to tonight, Booker was funny as hell. When running down tonight’s card, Booker got to Team 3-D and said “The Fat Boys are back!”

Before the fireworks were set off for the opening, Nash told the pyroman to blow his load. Sharmell was backstage as the interview girl with a security guard protecting her. ODB and Sharmell traded barbs. Sharmell referred to her as One Disgusting Battleax and told her Taylor Wilde and Roxxi were escorted from the building by security. Why, I have no idea. And this won’t be the first time you read that tonight.

Scott Steiner was the ring announcer and called the crowd white trash and rednecks. He completely butchered Sonjourner Bolt’s name and called the Kongtourage “Confusus.” You could hear the crowd laughing at him, and Steiner shouted them down by saying he was a wrestler and didn’t know the names of these bitches.

Sojourner Bolt, Awesome Kong, Raisha Saaed and Rhaka Kahn defeated Awesome Kong in the first of 100 handicap matches. At various points in the match, Booker referred to Bolt as Tim Tebow and Thunderbolt Patterson. ODB vs. Kahn was so painful this week, there’s no excuse why it had to air. I have no idea why this company put these two on TV each week because they aren’t getting better. ODB knocked each heel out of the ring one by one until Kong came in. ODB was throwing some god awful looking punches on Kong in the corner, then took down Saaed, Kahn and Bolt with a crossbody block. Before long, the heels put the boots to ODB, who got pinned by Kong with an implant buster. -*

Angle was laughing about how ODB got laid out. A panicked Cornette asked Angle who would pay the hospital bills for the wrestlers that were injured. I’ll bet Konnan got a laugh out of that one. Jeremy Borash tried to talk Angle into letting Cornette have control of the show again. Angle mentioned that Borash hadn’t been around as much since Karen left. First time that name has been mentioned in awhile. Borash denied the charges and said he was “always bros over hos.” Anyway, Angle ordered Borash to go out and start selling t-shirts.

Andrew Thomas and Rudy Charles were backstage with Sharmell. At least now I know the one set of performers in this industry that have worse dialogue delivery than the WWE divas: TNA referees. Thomas and Charles were such horrible actors, I trust they’ll be in the new Friday the 13th remake. I have no idea why they were put in a position to do so because it only made the company appear even more second rate. Charles bragged about having an amateur wrestling background.

Jeremy Boarsh was shown in the stands selling Main Event Mafia t-shirts.

2. Booker T defeated Rudy Charles and Andrew Thomas. When Black Snow got up from the commentators’ table, Nash turned his head, then turned back and said “It’s Booker T.” Charles got slapped and flopped around like a fish. Charles just sold and took the ax kick. Booker then dragged Charles to the corner and tagged Thomas. Nash asked what it was like to be the 40-year-old virgin in life and the ring. Earl Hebner was the official, leading to the predictable Montreal reference where Nash mentioned that Earl screwed Bret. Booker pinned Thomas after a book end. DUD

Booker started bullying around Hebner after the match until Shane Sewell ran in for the save. I was wondering why Nash and Steiner just watched on while Sewell was on offense. Well, we can’t have a babyface looking good in this company because Booker made his own comeback, and laid out Sewell with an ax kick as Steiner and Nash laughed out loud.

Sting confronted Angle backstage about the handicap match Angle had booked him in tonight against Team 3-D, saying the purpose of the match was to get him injured before the PPV. Sting reminded Angle that in two weeks, they’ll have a match against Team 3-D, and Sting told him he can have him as a friend or foe.

Sharmell interviewed Matt Morgan about his match tonight against Petey Williams, who will have to wrestle with one-hand tied behind his back. Your guess is as good as mine as to why. If that’s not enough, Morgan buried Williams size saying he would look at him eye-to-kneecap. Morgan brought back the genetically stacked, athletically packed catchphrase from 2006 that didn’t get over.

3. Matt Morgan defeated Petey Wiliams. Steiner ran down Canada during his ring entrance. Williams still has his Steiner gear. This after Steiner put him out of action. Even Booker pointed out how lame that was. The match looked ridiculous. Morgan had Williams pinned after a side slam and fallaway slam but picked him up both times. Steiner got up on the apron for some reason, but referee Rudy Charles freed Williams tied up arm, leading to a comeback. You would think that would mean Williams would get over. Surely you jest, and Morgan pinned him clean as a sheet with a carbon kick. Morgan completed the burial afterwards by giving him a hellevator, which Booker called a blueprint bomb. Steiner put Williams in a Steiner recliner. This brought out Consequences Creed, Black Machismo and Eric Young for the save, who barely got in any offense before Booker ran in. And with the odds against them 4-on-3, the heels still destroyed the faces. Having said that, Booker was absolutely hilarious doing the Jerry Lawler spot of doing commentary while delivering the beatdown. At this point, I was getting flashbacks to N.W.O. Sold Out in 1997 with Eric Bischoff tonguing the old lady and Hulk Hogan wrestling the Giant in slow motion. For those who weren’t around back then, that’s the wrong show to be getting memories of. ¼*

Team 3-D came out. Brother Ray said he felt bad because Angle had put Sting in a bad position by forcing him to face one of the greatest teams in history tonight in a handicap match. Black Snow thought he was talking about Harlem Heat.

4. Team 3-D defeated Sting by DQ. Steiner said Brother Ray hailed from the state of obesity. Booker ran down ECW as an independent company that didn’t count as a real world championship. That should help 3-D’s credibility. Sting wrestled with a t-shirt again. Booker, er, Snow started talking about how Sting started as a Blade Runner, and Nash brought up Jim Hellwig’s name. Snow was pretty funny talking about Dvon’s waistline. After Dvon took an elbow, Sting walked out of the ring and looked pissed he was even involved in the match. Meanwhile, Ray and Steiner started brawling. After a commercial, Sting hit a snap suplex on Dvon. Ray got the hot tag, but he and Sting botched an uranage spot like two indy guys. Finish was screwed up as hell. Ray covered Sting and Hebner started to count, then had to pretend he didn’t see it when Steiner jumped on the apron late to argue with him. Then Angle ran in to give Ray a low blow. Wasn’t the storyline the fact that Angle wanted Sting to lose so he would be poor condition for the PPV? Sting hit a DDT, but Ray kicked out because it’s TNA and you can’t have outside interference lead to a pin. 3-D hit the Doomsday Device on Sting, leading to Angle interfering for the DQ. Steiner, Angle and Sting but the boots to 3-D. Black Snow morphed into Booker T, who pulled out a table, which brought a cheer from the crowd. Then LAX, Mick Foley and Abyss ran in for the save to clean house.

Foley did an interview saying that the experiment was over. Foley was out of breath from the run-in and looked in worse shape than Shane McMahon on Monday night. He ordered than Hernandez would get another title shot with Sting at a date to be determined. Then he ordered Steiner to face Abyss in a weapons match tonight, but Steiner couldn’t use a weapon. He then booked Angle into a handicap match against LAX.

Jim Cornette was backstage with the on-air crew and told everyone to get back to work. Cornette said he had a special announcement, which was Booker T vs. Shane Sewell at Against All Odds. Why the hell would anyone want to see that when Booker just laid out Sewell clean earlier?

Mike Tenay and Don West reassumed their roles as commentators. The problem was, Booker was so funny, Tenay and West came off so bland for the rest of the show.

5. Abyss defeated Scott Steiner by DQ in a weapons match. You read that right. Crowd was as dead as I’ve ever heard it for an Abyss match. Next time somebody from TNA brings up the increase in ratings, ask them why so many of the characters who were hot in 2006 aren’t nearly as over now. Even though he wasn’t allowed to use weapons, Steiner started to pull them out before Abyss beat him to the punch. The salute to 1997 continued with Abyss crashing through the wall of the Spanish announce table. It spawned somewhat of a “TNA” chant, but even that was tepid. Steiner pulled out a chair, but Abyss punched it into his face. Abyss then walloped Steiner with a trash can for a two count. Steiner kicked him low and rammed Abyss into a chair. Naturally, there was no DQ. Steiner tried to use a bell, but Johnson stopped him and Abyss choke slammed Steiner on a trash can. Of course, Steiner kicked out. Abyss picked up the bell, but Steiner pulled out his pipe and hit Abyss over the head with it for the DQ. Then Steiner chased Johnson away and gave Abyss a chair shot. The lights went out and Suicide made his first appearance in weeks. He almost overshot the ropes while sailing in on the tieline. Get this. He laid out Steiner by ramming he head into the turnbuckle. I’m not making this up. Suicide and Steiner working together is the worst idea since, well, having the Main Event Mafia take over the first hour of Impact. The music obscured the fact that was no heat for this at all. Suicide disappeared afterwards. *

Brutus Magnus is coming. Thank God he didn’t show up tonight.

Then they showed highlights from the European tour. As if we haven’t had enough WCW tonight, Samoa Joe and Jeff Jarrett were shown competing. That was a great way to insult your TV audience, who have been told for weeks those two were out nursing injuries.

Cody Snyder and T.C. of TNA show World’s Toughest Cowboy were interviewed. I rubbed my eyes in amazement at this point. I had no idea who these people were, and the only reason they were on my TV set is because they’re on Spike TV. So naturally they got more interview time than anyone on the show. I’m speechless. Beer Money walked in and talked about how they were true cowboys. It ended with a shoving match, and God did that look stupid. T.C. came up to James Storm’s clavicle. They wisely cut right to a commercial and that was the last of that.

6. Kurt Angle defeated LAX in a handicap match. Clean as a sheet, too. What did you expect, a main event that made sense? To their credit, everybody worked hard, including Hernandez giving Angle the 300-pound tope. Angle got on offense by raking Homicide’s eyes. Angle kept trying the Olympic slam, but Homicide would find a backdoor out. They even did the referee turned his back to the hot tag spot. In a Handicap match! Homicide caught the dragon screw and tried a half crab, but Angle rolled out. Angle got the ankle lock, and Homicide struggled for a long time before he rolled Angle off into a slingshot shoulder block by Hernandez. Hernandez did the Kevin Nash hot tag without making a hot tag, and laid out Angle with a Liger Bomb. He teased the border toss, but Angle escaped and Hernandez ran into the post. Homicide hit the gringo cutter and tesed the gringo killer, but Angle escaped and pinned Homicide clean with an Olympic slam. Great job making the top face tag team look like idiots. Then again, they have plenty of company. **1/4

Show ended with Samoa Joe doing a promo straight from Taz in 1996 ECW. You know, the regional group that Booker buried earlier. Joe said he was going to introduce the Mafia to the real Samoa Joe, then turned around to unveil a new face tattoo. Too bad he looks like Umaga’s younger brother. Even worse, his credibility won’t be easy to win back after doing so many pointless jobs for the past four months.

SUMMARY: I have never seen anything like this show. I’m in total amazement of how a company totally killed its babyfaces in the span of two hours. A DQ in a weapons match. There were two separate occasions on this show where the heels were outnumbered but still won. Two instances where two babyfaces wrestle one heel in handicap matches. And in one case, the face goes over clean against a team that can still draw. There are some wrestling veterans in this company who have powerful voices. Couldn’t one of them have stood up and put a stop to this?

I honestly don’t know what the future of this company will be in a few months, because they’ve totally killed the credibility of every young undercard wrestler they have. At least Booker was funny. And that one of Jeff Jarrett’s daughters didn’t run out and beat up Angle for no reason.

Jeff Hamlin
jhamlin@wchl1360.com